Well, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Elsie. I’m just a simple cow. Some of you may know me from the musical Rent. That stupid witch Maureen tried to suck my udders so I had to tell her we’re only allowed to drink Diet Coke out here in Cyberland. That’s obviously false, even if we do loooooooove our Diet Coke. Anyway, ever since I was a young heifer, I’ve wanted to share wedding photos with the rest of my herd. Unfortunately, I’m not spotted, you see. Sad I know. My whole body is white. Not one black spot on me. Well the bulls just don’t go for that! Who would ever exchange wedding pictures with me looking the way I do? I tried every cosmetic gizmo they offered at Bovine’s, desperately expressing my passion for sharing wedding photos with every clerk who would listen to my sad tale. I rolled more times in the mud than I care to remember, desperately hoping I’d emerge with enough spots to attract a husband who would exchange wedding photos with me in our warm, cozy stables, but I never emerged with anything more than a fleeting coat of brown on my hide. The bulls just snorted.

“You’ll never share wedding images!” Bessie shouted. She was always putting down the rest of us cows, thinking she was the prettiest and all. But really, she was such a little hussy, always mooing with any bull that gave her time of day. OOO she LOVED to go on and on about how many wedding photos she shared. Eventually, I just resigned myself to the fact that I was ugly, and that I’d never be good enough to share a wedding photo, not even one.

Luckily, it was Cinco De Mayo not too long ago, and as you’re well aware, that is just a huge party for all the animals here in Cyberland. They come from all over to drink loads and loads of Diet Coke with us. Many of my girlfriends take Cinco de Mayo as an opportunity to set themselves up for sharing bridal photos with all their friends in the future. I was sitting at the Over The Moon, just sipping on my diet coke and bluegrass on the rocks, lonely as a cow could be. Of course, Bessie shared wedding photos with every bull that walked through the swinging saloon doors, the hussy. It was then that I knew that the only thing do to was make a leap…of fate.

Just then, this GORRRRGEOUS sheep walked through the door. And you say, “What’s a sheep doing in Cyberland” well sheep are more than welcome in Cyberland! What do you think we are, specist? We share wedding photographs with everyone thank you very much! I started sucking on my Diet Coke like never before, feeling the artificial sweetener pulsing through my body and making me bolder than any cow in the bar. I couldn’t stop staring at this sheep’s matted curls, those firm, perky ears and oh! Those sunglasses! He was…sexy. But then I remembered my lack of spots. How would he ever find me attractive if my own species had left me to grow into an old maid? Yet I yearned for his luscious black lips. Just then…he approached me.

“What’s shakin’, little lady? The name’s Chez.” OH how I wanted to share wedding photos with this scrumptious piece of chop! He was so smooth, leaning over my shoulder and going bad boy on me by ordering a CHERRY diet coke. Then, suddenly, the Suicidal Mickey Mouse that haunts Cyberland came barging through the saloon doors, drenched in fuel oil with a pound of dynamite strapped to his chest.

“I kill all you now!” he shouted in that horrible accent. He wasn’t getting any woman to exchange wedding photographs with him, but he sure was scary. I feared for my life, until Chez, my hero, shouted,

“Not so fast, Suicidal Mickey Mouse!” And with that, Chez leaped into the air, kicked his hind legs hard against Mickey’s chest, and knocked him clear out of Over The Moon, and just in the nick of time. As soon as he slid under those saloon doors, he reached the end of his fuse, and the dynamite exploded, blowing him into a million little pieces in the night air. But we were all safe. Chez had saved the day. What a great story to share wedding images over!

“Oh Chez! I can’t believe you saved us from Suicidal Mickey Mouse!” He took off his sunglasses and looked at me with those deep, dark, jetblack eyes and said,

“Well I guess a sheep’s gotta do what a sheep’s gotta do to protect his lady.”

“You’re lady?” I was batting my eyelashes, hopeful at last that I might one day get to share wedding photos.

“Elsie, it is Elsie, right?”

“Yes Chez!” He got down on his knees.

“Elsie, you’re the most beautiful cow I’ve ever seen. Will you marry me and share your wedding pictures with me forever?”

Bessie couldn’t believe it. Her stupid mouth hung open like a harlot’s. She was just jealous that I’d be sharing wedding photos before her. Still, with the whole room watching, my heart racing like Danica Patrick, I took one last big sip of my Diet Coke and screamed, “YES!”

Chez and I got married not long after that, and have lived happily ever after. We share wedding pictures and love exchanging bridal photos with anyone and everyone who asks us , most especially with each other. We are truly in love, and hope, one day, you will share wedding photographs as well.